and why · 22 December 04

We were sitting on a smelly subway platform somewhere in Brooklyn, and she had just given me a bunch of presents. It might have been Christmas. The presents were in a garish pink shopping bag and inexplicably they were all Hello Kitty-style things- notebooks, paper, pens, etc. The Kitty on the presents wasn’t exactly Hello Kitty. It was one of those weird rip-offs. I could tell she’d been shopping at one of those stores in her neighborhood where none of the items were labeled in English.

I thanked her and we sat together a while in comfortable silence- we’d known each other for eleven years, and loved each other, and we were fine when there was nothing to talk about. We waited for the train and watched other people wait for the train. I wanted to push them all onto the fucking tracks.

After a while she chuckled to herself quietly and I looked over at her. ‘What?’ I asked.

‘Look at that guy over there,’ she said, pointing to a flushed but non-descript businessman checking his watch. ‘His face is all red from drinking all day because he hates his family.’

I marveled at this insight. ‘You’re completely right,” I said, impressed. She nodded sagely and we sat together some more.

Eventually we felt a gust of wind on our faces, and half a minute later the train arrived. We leaped up, clutching our things, and rushed to be first in line. The car doors opened and a wall of people began to trudge out, listlessly leaning against each other like zombies. Suddenly she grabbed my free hand and yanked me forward, grinning and shoving people out of the way. She was looking for two adjacent seats so that we could be next to each other.

The people she jostled jerked out of their stupors to sneer at us. ‘Wait your turn!’ one thirty-something in a suit snarled.

‘I have a penis!’ she shouted, mocking him. She mocked anything that would stand in her way. We flung ourselves into our seats, clutching each other and howling with laughter as the train sped up, taking us forward and away.

I'm half Jill · 7 February 05

I had another dream with you in it. It’s been a while.
We were… somewhere… and we were talking. You pulled off your shirt so I could see your pale, scrawny ribs and you arched your back. You wanted to show me your new tattoo, you said- a huge piece, that stretched across your ribs and your side. It was black and white and beautifully done: two women, conjoined twins, writhing there on your damp white skin. I peered so closely that I could see individual marks of the needle: tiny black dots, hundreds of thousands of them.

Later I had to leave- it was time to say goodbye. Here, you said, leaning your face in. Give me a kiss. You were so close and I could feel your breath faintly and you turned your head so that I could see your profile and the kiss landed on your cheek: chaste, on the very corner of your mouth, rough stubble under my lips. My blood was thick and my heart was racing and something gasped and quivered in the space between us. To this day I’ve never kissed you. Even in my dreams it can’t happen.

What is a Dinosaur?

8 May 05

Here are some of the wondrous MadLibs® Sarah and I did last night, while inebriated:

What is a Dinosaur?

Today, we are going to study the lifestyle of huge and gum slicing animals. The word “dinosaur” comes from the Greek word deinos, meaning dehydrated colon and saurus, meaning rattling skull cavity. No one has ever seen a vaginally abrasive dinosaur. We know about them because flying D and Cs called paleontologists found their cirrhotic livers preserved in rocks. Dinosaurs were almost evenly divided between carnivores, who ate alarmingly fractured glass dildoes, and herbivores, who only ate neglected great grandmothers. At one time, there were over 336 different types of these futile beasts roaming the face of the prepubescent androgynous fatty. They ranged in size from those as large as a Tyrannosaurus Henry the Bug-eyed Fish to those as small as a swing used to pound the cervix. Today a dinosaur would be as impossible to find as a decaying condom left in a wallet too long in a haystack.

Proverbially Yours

Although we believe ourselves to be red as a Thai boy’s butt thinkers, most of us really repeat thoughts first expressed by poets, writers, and zebra entrails many years ago. These thoughts are called proverbs. Here are a few covered in mung samples:

1. Behind every farm animal semen is a silver kitten urethra
2. Don’t look a grotesquely swollen horse in the yak placenta
3. Too many cooks donkey punch the nine-year-old owned by child molesters
4. A bird in the ruptured small intestine is worth two in the foreskin
5. Early to bed, early to abort, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and penilely flaccid.
6. Don’t count your triple testicles before they abuse you in the middle of the night.

Virginia

In people’s eyes, in the swing, tramp, and trudge; in the bellow and the uproar; the carriages, motor cars, omnibuses, vans, sandwich men shuffling and swinging; brass bands; barrel organs; in the triumph and the jingle and the strange high singing of some aeroplane overhead was what she loved; life; London; this moment of June.

Inundated with flood water.

Dislike: The term 'community' used to describe people who share a common interest.

I still have dreams about the post-apocalypse.

I want caring about things to be less complicated.

I want to be less complicated.

(But just as smart.)

I don't want things with the veracity I used to but don't feel satisfied, either.

I want to hit my head against the hardwood floor until things are fine.